


We are NOT Emu-sed

by MapleLeafSquareRoot



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 01:22:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20958116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MapleLeafSquareRoot/pseuds/MapleLeafSquareRoot
Summary: Emu-themed ridiculousness.Emu-inception.Or, it's all about Emu.





	We are NOT Emu-sed

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Nilolay sharing https://thewest.com.au/news/wildlife/perth-cops-forced-to-usher-stray-emu-off-kwinana-freeway-ng-b881345234z last night, as well as some rapid fire ridiculousness in the Rosebudd tonight. 
> 
> I love everyone in that bar.

Turning the corner towards the back of the store, David heard snuffling.He slowed his steps, cautiously moving forward, holding the garbage bag in front of himself as a shield.He tried to identify the creature making the noise - was it an errant pig from the nearest farm?Was it Twyla’s 17-year old chronically congested tabby?Was it Roland?

Seeing nothing, but still leery, David approached the dumpster.The snuffling appeared to have stopped. He lifted the lid, tossed the bag inside, and gently closed it again, ensuring the latch was secure.He turned around -

“_WHAT THE FUCK?_” he screamed. 

Preventing egress from the back lane, standing in between David and the path back to safety, and staring him square in the eyes was a tall, awkward bird with the longest neck David had ever seen.It tilted its head, considering David closely, and resumed its snuffling, investigative sounds. 

Having heard David’s scream, Patrick came rushing around the corner, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight. 

He only made it so far as “_What the ffffff…._?” before David shushed him.

“It’s an _emu_!” he sputtered.“Flightless.Australian._Kicky_.Eats fruits and insects.Mates for life. Fast runner.”

Patrick wasn’t sure how to react. On a normal day, David continued to surprise him, but it typically wasn’t with encyclopedic knowledge of wildlife.

“Call Alexis!” David hissed at Patrick.

Confusion took over Patrick’s face.“Wouldn’t Ted be more helpful?” 

David tried to deke a step to his left, and then to his right.The emu matched him.It reminded him of Blue, the velociraptor in the Jurassic Park franchise, and he felt his chances of survival were no better here. “_Alexis!_” he repeated.

Patrick dialed Alexis.

“Button!” 

“Hey Alexis, so, uh, we’ve got a bit of a situation here…and I’m not really sure why David said to call you, but it appears he’s trapped by an emu? Behind the store?We think maybe it’s from a zoo somewhere?Anyway…”

Alexis interrupted Patrick “Oh my god!I worked with the cutest emu family when I was being held hostage in Melbourne! I’m on my way.” 


End file.
